trusting myself

About 8 months ago my friend Autumn and I were talking about women. She told me that I scare women because "you give off the vibe that you are willing to fall in with the first woman who would pay a little attention to you." When she said this to me it scared me. I could see why she might think this. It is not a pleasant idea to carry around in my head.

This was months before I met and dated Tara. I dated Tara and she paid a lot of attention to me. I can say that I did not fall in love with Tara. I guess that this is proof that Autumn was not correct.

I was talking with Darcy about all of this. She said that she does not agree with Autumn at all. Darcy and I have talked a lot about the way I view people. I have told her in the past that I have a hard time trusting my friends. I do not trust that they will be there for me when I really need them. We have talked about what those trust issues mean. Darcy said that Autumn's idea does not take the trust issues into account.

I had not thought about that until Darcy said it. It was like she was pointing out something to me that I had always known. I was amazed at how well Darcy really knows me.

I turned to Darcy, a little inebriated at the time, and told her, "of all the people I distrust, I distrust myself the most." I know that Darcy was a little surpised when I said this.

I feel that the story of the last decade of my life is about how I distrust my own decisions. I have done things, some successful and some failures, but I have always seemed to double guess these choices. When it comes to laying it on the line or playing it save, I tend to play it safe. When it comes to making really big changes in my life, I question my motivations. I have held back on a lot of things because I think I my desire has been misplaced.

I have seen a lot of people fill the holes in their life with dangerous things. I saw people fill their loneliness with alcohol, fill up their desperations with relationships, fill their failure with religion, and fill their loses with work. I am worried that I want to fill the holes in my life with the wrong thing. I want to make sure I am doing the right things for the right reasons. Many times this keeps me from doing anything at all.

I think that Tara saw these trust issues. I trust Tara with me, but I did not trust me with Tara. I felt like I could tell Tara things and be open with her. I felt that I did not hold things from her. I trusted her to be there for me when I needed her. I did not trust that I could give her what she needed from me. I did not trust that I could be the right person for her. I did not trust my heart to be open for her.

I have to learn more about trust before I can really get what I want out of life.


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