I am not my portrait

I have been thinking a lot lately about writing and painting. When a painter does a self portrait, people to do not expect it to be 100% realistic. They expect the painter to represent an idea that can be linked back to the subject. There are parts of the portrait that are exaggerated and parts that are ignored. The viewer excepts that the painter is presenting one possible way the view the subject. We do not expect it to be the truth, but an idea that is artistic and meaningful.

I have been feeling lately that Sad Salvation is not me and I am not Sad Salvation. I write here almost everyday and I share important ideas here, but it does not mean this is who I really am. I do not think that you can know me from reading my weblog. They are just words and ideas, not my personality.

When you read my words, do you expect them to be the truth? Do you expect me to be a journalist and capture the objective reality of my life? Do you expect I really view myself and the world the way my words would explain? I am not sure you are able provide these things.

It is hard to describe what happens when I write. It is like asking a bird what is happening when they fly. They understand how they do it, but the might not understand everything that makes it happen. I write about what is bumping around in my head. By writing I find ways to flesh those ideas out. I find a way to see if the ideas are true or not. Sometimes the ideas are true and sometimes they are not true.

When I was dating Tara there were ideas I wanted to write about but I felt that I could not. These were mostly ideas about myself and the things I see in myself. I felt if I wrote about them Tara would get the wrong idea. She would think the ideas were more true then they really were. I thought about starting an anonymous blog. I wanted to write things and make them public. I want the feed back of other people being able to read the thoughts.

I am not sure how to address these ideas. The first is to tell people they might see something about me through my web site, but they will not know me. The second is to just write what I need to write first and figure out where I am going to put it second. The third is to communicate better with the people who are close to me. I can then let them know the difference between me and Sad Salvation.


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