State of My Heart Address - 2004

I view St. Valentines day as a romantic new year. It is a time where I get to reset my feeling and approaches to things. That is why I chose it do deliver the Start of my Heart address.

Sometime in 2002 a woman told me that the she backed away from be because she got a creepy vibe from me. She told me "you give off the feeling that you will fall in love with the next woman who pays attention to you." This worried me because I can understand why she said this to me. I also had a crush on her when I first met her.

I can say for sure that this did not happen when it was put to the test. I dated Tara for a few months and I did not fall in love with her. She was open to me and attracted to me. I just did not feel for her in my heart. Part of me wanted to lie to her and say I loved her. I wondered if that would get me want I wanted. In the end I decided it was better to be honest.

It was odd because we both knew that love is what we really wanted. There was a pressure for he relationship to lead up to something else. I have no doubt that if I would have gotten there, Tara would have also.

From dating Tara I learned that I was not going to back away from what my heart told me. I was not going to get into a relationship just because it was there. I had to stay true to myself. I knew I was going to do that in terms of women.

For months after Tara and I broke up, I did not think of women at all. That changed in November when I decided to make dating the subject of my Nanowrimo book. Writing a book titled "The San Jose Post Bubble Dating Blues" really makes you think about women.

At the same time as this I was developing a crush on a woman. I realized that all of my crushes have never served me well. Never in my life have I been able to go from a crush on a women to a relationship. This one was no different. She told me that she was smitten for another man. I felt numb after she told me this. I realized that I was never in the game from the start. That is always hard.

Now that even feels like a millions years ago. Right now I think my heart is empty. There is nothing there for me or anyone else. I am not looking for a woman to date or get to know. I am not going out of my way at all.

I realized a while ago that I tend to melt in the face of problems that I think are insurmountable. For a few years now Love has seemed like one of those problems.


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