I've been gone

Many people have noticed that it has been a while since my last post. I have been gone both physically and otherwise. On the physical front I went on vacation at the end of March. It was two weeks away from the Bay Area. I made my way from San Jose to Seattle, Vancouver BC, and Portland. It was the Pacific Northwest trifecta. I had never been to Vancouver before. My eyes were hungry for something new. I guess I wanted to also revisit old places, that is why I went to Seattle and Portland.

Before the trip I really felt like I was in a rut. This year, 2004, has not been good for me. It is not that it has been bad either. It just has not been good. I feel like I am just floundering. It is like I am finding the best way to get nowhere most of the time. It is not like I am curled up in the corner of my apartment not able to get out of bed. I am still doing the important things like going to work and paying the bills. I just feel that the life I am living has retracted in on me.

I am not doing the things that I have been telling myself that I want to do. I have not been writing, reading, or doing the projects that I would think is interesting. In January I spent a lot of time taking pictures, but I have not been able to keep it up since then. Very few things have been inspiring me. I have not been able to find those special things in the world.

I was feeling this way before I went on vacation. I was just wasting space and cashing checks. I would go home and just veg in front of the TV. I was hoping that going on vacation would help. I was thinking that it would awaken something in me. I was hoping that it was just strees that was getting me down. I thought some time away from my life would get me back on the right track.

The only problem was that I did not feel any different on vacation. The advantage of going on vacation alone is that you can do whatever you want. You have no one to answer to. The problem is that it can leaving you feeling isolated and alone. That was how I felt for much of my vacation. I had this pain in my back and I felt alone in the world. These feelings do not make me want to run to my computer and write in my weblog.

I came back from this vacation trying to figure out my place in the world. It is hard to go to Portland, a city I love so much and feel so alone. I know it has been five years since I lived there and that was for less then a year. I only know a couple of people who are still there. I walked around the streets there wishing I was there now. It makes me wonder what I am doing here.

I am not sure I figured anything out since I have been back. I am not sure I am any closer to knowing my place in the world. I know that I have gotten back into a better routine then I was before the trip. I know that I am taking the time to laugh at my friends jokes. I know that I am trying to pay attention to both the little things and the big things. I am trying to not just look at the sympthoms of my life.

What does this all mean? It means I am back. It means that I might change the way I use Sad Salvation. it means that I know that I have to write, but who knows where that writting will end up. It means that I will no longer have people bother me about when I am going to update this next.

PS Keep your eyes open for my lost vacation notes and photos. You might like them.


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