Women and Me

I was walking out of a coffee house and I saw a woman laughing. She was close to my age, attractive with a young librarian look. She was sitting talking to a man, laughing at his jokes.

I thought to myself, 'that is what I want in my life.' Their conversation seemed intimate but public. They seemed to be connected to each other and having a good time. The sly expression on her face was on of those looks that usually makes me fall head over heals for a woman.

When I saw the woman laughing, I did not think of how moments earlier I was in the coffee house with a woman who was laughing at my jokes. Maybe because my situation was different then what I thought I saw. I knew that I was just friends with the woman laughing at my jokes. There was also a full table of other people around us. It was not an intimate moment between two people. Who knows if what I thought I saw was what was really happening?

As I thought about the laughing woman and I had to laugh at myself. What I want in my life are those moments with a woman where we are laughing, being gentle, having good conversations. I am looking for all those Sunday afternoon at the coffee house moments. I should know that those moments are not what relationships are really about.

When I look at the people around me and their relationships, I do not see only laughing and tender moments. I know there are hard moments in relationships. I am not thinking of the moments when I have to give something of myself. I am not thinking about the places where my last relationship failed. I am only seeing the laughter outside the coffee house.

I have been thinking about my relationships. As of right now I do not know any single women. At least I do not know any single women who have not already rejected me. I am the type of person has lots of crushes and as I have said before crushes never turn out well for me. Never in my life have I ever been turned a crush into a relationship.

I am still friends with the last two women that had crushes on. My experience is that they have very different very reactions to me. One of them is nice to me, but she always has a little scared look in her eyes. It is like she does not know how to react about me. She wants to be nice, but she does not know how. After a few minutes we always break off the conversation.

I see the other woman often. We still talk and flirt with each other. It is like we got something out of the way. I was amazed that I was still able to interact this way even after rejection. It makes me smile when I think about it. Still, we run into walls sometimes. There are moments where neither of us know how to react. We smile at each other because we do not know what to say.

It is hard thing to feel alone and not know what I want in a relationship at the same time. The combination of these two things make me seem more desperate then I really am. I am desperate to meet available people. I am desperate to meet women who might be interested in a man like me. I am not desperate to be in a relationship.

I am not sure what my relationship with women means. I know that I would like it to mean something. It is something that I think about a lot. I worry that my lack or relationships is doing something to me. That is what worries me the most.


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