Turning 30

I am turning 30 in June. I am having a birthday party this weekend. The date is quickly approaching and I am feeling the pressure. Thirty is a big age. It is one of those magical barriers. I am no longer a kid. I have to try to act like an adult.

I have been doing about turning 30. It has really gotten to me a couple of times. It is not that I think 30 is old or that I have lost my youth. I have always seen those things as kind of dumb. I have never tried to just hang onto things like youth. When I left college, I did not try to keep up on college music. I had known those ideas where not for me anymore.

The reason I have been felling down is because I feel under-accomplished for my age. I am thirty years old, single, living in a studio apartment, and not sure where my life is going. I did not expect my this to be my life when I turned 30. I am not sure what I expected, but I am sure it was different then this. I thought that I would own a house by now. I thought I would have roots. I thought that I would understand the direction my life is going.

I guess part of what gets me down is my lack of relationships. I have spent my 20's with very few relationships. I can honestly say that I have never been in love. I expected that I would have been in love once by the time I hit 30. Now that I am on the doorstep of 30, I expect never to be in love.

As I hit 30, I am really thinking about my life. I am thinking about the ways I have spent the last decade. I cannot say that I am all that proud of myself. I put too many things off. I let too many things slip though my fingers. I feel that I have nothing to say for my life. I feel that I cannot point back to anything and say that is special. That is a rotten feeling to have.

I still have a couple of weeks before that day comes. I am going to be fleeing San Jose for a trip back to Philadelphia. I wonder how I will feel on that morning.


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