Breath out, so I can breath you in


 Content: Foo Fighters, Death, Grieving

My mother passed away at 91 years old in February.  In January I got word that she was going into home hospice care.  My brother told me "Her BMI is 13... you need to see her now."  I flew cross country to spend a very cold week in my hometown suburban Pennsylvania.  For a week I sat by her bed, talking telling stories, listening, trying to remember these moments.  I'm a photographer, I remember what I take pictures of, but I couldn't take her photo.  There was no way for me to take her photo in a way she would feel she still had her dignity.  I have not photos of her from that week.  

I visited her in her bedroom, a hospice bed replaced the bed she shared with my father for my whole life.  I sat there, trying to make the most of every minute.  She would fall asleep mind sentence sometimes.  Other times I could tell that she was staying away just to be with me.  A few times she would kick me out of the room telling me she was tried, but I knew the truth.  Something had come up that was emotional and she didn't want to dwell on that moment.

After I left I hear Everlong by the Foo Fighters.  That song has run in my ears every since.  When my dad died in 2010 there were a number of breakup songs that reminded me of him.  If breakup songs are about grieving, it is easy to slip them into this context.   I still think of that week when I hear Love Will Tear Us Apart.  I hear the line, breath out so I can breath you in Hold you in , my mind goes back to the moment sitting next to her bed, trying to remember those last moments.  Knowing that I might never get that chance again.  I went back to my hometown a month later to attend my Mother's funeral. 

There is a version of Everlong on YouTube where Dave Grohl talks about writing this song.  It only made this feeling deeper.  

If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She Sang


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